y o u - 1

#1

There were many things that I wished to talk to you, only if you would let me. But I know you won’t and that’s okay. There were many things that I wished to show you, only if you would let me. But I know you won’t and that’s okay. There were many things that I wished to listen to—your voice, your stories, your days—only if you would let me. But I know you won’t and that’s okay. There were many things that I wished to do together with you, only if you would let me. But I know you won’t and that’s okay.

I’ve tried to reach you. I’ve summoned all of the courage I got. I’ve gathered all of my sorry and apologies. There were many things that I want and one of them was for you to read the letter that I gave you with all my heart. But of course, I know you won’t and that’s okay.

You won’t even believe me if I say that I’ve been dreaming about you frequently these days. It was kind of a strange experience. Because even 3 years ago—when we were still together, I never dreamed about you this often. And the you in my dreams always rejected me. Was this a sign? For me to pay all of my sins, to atone the bad things that I’ve done to you—that I’ve put you through?

This blog post's title is “y o u” and not “k a m u”. It was simply because the post under this title referred to a different person. A different kind of love if I might say. I love “kamu” fiercely, and crazily, and obsessively. But “you”, I love you slowly, and adoringly, and attentively. I admitted that perhaps, I could never love “you” the same way as I love “kamu”. My love was burning so fiercely and I don’t think I even have a quarter of that energy to love someone anymore. It’s not because I don’t love “you”, perhaps it’s because I’m tired. Because love is tiring, and disappointing, and I don’t want to experience that type of love—not anymore, not now, and not ever.

But once in a while I often wondered,

Perhaps if I loved you the way I love him,

We would not be such an entangled mess as we are now.