k a m u - 5

#5

I’ve been working on this story ever since I was in junior high, but now I’ve graduated from high school, I finally got accepted in uni, and I don’t think I could continue this story the way I started it. Anyway, pardon my grammar. It was kinda hard for me to write this in Bahasa, it would hit me too close to home, therefore why was writing this story in English felt way much easier, just because.

How many years exactly have passed since I first met you? Five? Six? Probably six because it was around 2015 when you first move out to my school. I never really asked why did you move from there, though, but now I’m curious. So why?

Oh, I wish, I wish so much that maybe, just maybe you would read this story and see how cringy I was back then – I still am actually when you were involved.

Have you ever thought about how could you affect my life this much? You haven’t? You probably haven’t, but yeah, please start asking yourself this question every single night because I’d like to know the answer myself.

We were just kids back then. I could totally understand why you didn’t want me. Because if I were you, I’d probably don’t want myself either. It’s not your fault. It was entirely on me. For putting too many expectations. But that’s okay, too.

People made mistakes; we always do. But loving you was never been part of it. Loving you is one of the things that I could be grateful for. Yes, it hurts sometimes. It’s not always an easy road, you know – loving you. And I assume it wasn’t easy for you, too – being loved by me. I’m sorry for putting yourself through that. I was dumb and I’m sorry. I am always sorry.

One day I thought to myself what if I reached out to you first just to say how sorry I am for my past mistakes. Maybe for you, it was nothing. Maybe for you, it was just because we were kids. But I never felt like that for me. Because I’m still so in love with you even until now and I just couldn’t stop thinking about whatever the hell I’ve done just to get you to notice me.

Would you appreciate it if I – out of nowhere – contacted you and say how sorry I was for something that happened way back in the past? if someone reached out to me and said how sorry they were for treating me like shit and making me uncomfortable, I think I would listen to them, all ears, and forgive them. But of course, I’m not you.

I keep thinking about you, you know. I could barely function. I fell too hard that I don’t seem to know how to climb back up. I’m holding on to you too much that I don’t know how to do this without you. I know… I know… we’re not even talking anymore so how the fuck am I helping you? I don’t really know honestly.

We were in junior high together, obviously, that’s where I first met you. There was so much drama that I couldn’t think straight during that time. But at least you were there and the great news was you hardly skipped school, oh, I loved you so much for that.

And then surprisingly but not surprising enough, we went to the same senior high. Was that a coincidence? Lol nope, don’t answer me, I know that your father made you do that. But hey! You were there! I got another 3 years' opportunity to watch you from afar.

But now? I don’t know.

I don’t even know how you’re doing lately.

But I hope you’re doing well. I always hope that you’re doing well.

Things were going downfall for me. Maybe you couldn’t see it from the outside but I was crumbling on the inside. It was hard. This pandemic has finally made me go mad.

There are just so many things left unsaid between us. 

Thank you for not being a jerk to me even though I would a hundred percent be a jerk to myself if I were you. Thank you for not saying hurtful things right in front of my face even though I know you were soooo annoyed by me and I would definitely punch myself if I were you. Thank you for letting me know how does it feel to experience first love.

I have loved someone else before you. But it never felt this much and never last this long and never hurt this bad.

I kept dreaming about you over and over again. Sometimes it felt like I was back to my 12-year-old self. It was confusing. To think that I have gone this far yet still so head over heels for you. For someone that has been living in my head rent-free for the past six years. You probably don’t even know whether I’m still alive or not, you never bothered to care, never understand how rooted my feelings for you were. But that’s okay. This was my choice after all.

I kept wondering when will all of this ended. I’m tired but you are also one of the reasons why I’m still trying, why I’m still here.

I distinctly remembered that once I asked myself, my past self, how many years would this feeling last… a year or only in a span of months? Well, I guess I got my answer now.

That I’d be still for you as always.

Thinking that maybe I still have a chance,

When it has always been so clear that I definitely don’t.